Kikbarnkab is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, irritating lizard.

Kikbarnkab created Africa three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikbarnkab, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kikbarnkab, he will turn you into a plant.

Kikbarnkab's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Kikbarnkab's Holy Commandments

1. Never skip in the presence of birds.

2. Never write about cell theory.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.

4. Never talk about ants.

5. Always wear pink.