Tarpkikquill is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, caring sheep.

Tarpkikquill created tapeworms two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpkikquill, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Tarpkikquill, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Tarpkikquill's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Tarpkikquill's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about cell theory.

2. Always make sure there are no swans in a room before entering it.

3. Always look after injured snails.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never paint your chest turquoise.