Gumlopfet Witlarnpid is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, all-knowing crab.

Gumlopfet Witlarnpid created the planet Saturn four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gumlopfet Witlarnpid, he will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Gumlopfet Witlarnpid, he will jump up and down on your head.

Gumlopfet Witlarnpid's most sacred site is Chilhac in France.

Gumlopfet Witlarnpid's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Gumlopfet Witlarnpid's name in vain.

2. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Gumlopfet Witlarnpid on top of all buildings.

3. Never sit near eagles.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never pour water over plants.