Nutyarcam Bontikxem is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, unselfish guinea pig.

Nutyarcam Bontikxem created time and space two billion years ago.

If you believe in Nutyarcam Bontikxem, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Nutyarcam Bontikxem, she will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Nutyarcam Bontikxem's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Nutyarcam Bontikxem's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Never mention doves.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Erect five platinum sculptures of Nutyarcam Bontikxem on top of important buildings.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Nutyarcam Bontikxem.