Bafarfstafbigtonkjin is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, witty zebra.

Bafarfstafbigtonkjin created life eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bafarfstafbigtonkjin, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Bafarfstafbigtonkjin, he will destroy your home solar system.

Bafarfstafbigtonkjin's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Bafarfstafbigtonkjin's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick sharks.

2. Never paint your back brown.

3. Bafarfstafbigtonkjin must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Do not drink water in red rooms.

5. Bafarfstafbigtonkjin loves porpoises, so they must be honoured.