Lagcunsan is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, almighty shark.

Lagcunsan created the Sombrero Galaxy three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagcunsan, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Lagcunsan, she will turn you into a hamster.

Lagcunsan's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Lagcunsan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Do not wear platinum on your body.

4. Feed all hungry tortoises.

5. Never mention manatees.