Fetquimhap is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, omnipotent goose.

Fetquimhap created the planet Venus two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Fetquimhap, she will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Fetquimhap, she will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Fetquimhap's most sacred site is Dumadumana in Botswana.

Fetquimhap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your back.

2. Retreat if four aardvarks approach from the south.

3. You must pray to Fetquimhap eight times a day.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Never mention grasshopers.