Nulyatjatcem is a god.

It takes the form of a two thousand metre long, prudent monkey.

Nulyatjatcem created an atom nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nulyatjatcem, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Nulyatjatcem, it will send you a sign.

Nulyatjatcem's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Nulyatjatcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear aluminium on your body.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.