Tarpjatbityak is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, competent octopus.

Tarpjatbityak created snails six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tarpjatbityak, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tarpjatbityak, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Tarpjatbityak's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Tarpjatbityak's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Tarpjatbityak loves sheep, so they must be honoured.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.