Hapkenstaf is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, astonishing naga.

Hapkenstaf created dark energy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapkenstaf, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Hapkenstaf, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Hapkenstaf's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Hapkenstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if three dolphins approach from the east.

2. Never feed peas to voles while wearing magenta dresses.

3. Never write about gravity.

4. Turtles are not to be trusted.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.