Quillyatwan is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, happy newt.

Quillyatwan created matter eight million years ago.

If you believe in Quillyatwan, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quillyatwan, it will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Quillyatwan's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Quillyatwan's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Never laugh in the presence of snails.

4. Quillyatwan loves sharks, so they must be respected.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.