Ontspagham is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, smart gnu.

Ontspagham created a down quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontspagham, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Ontspagham, he will attempt to scare you with hail.

Ontspagham's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Ontspagham's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

4. Never wear cyan jumpers.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.