Ontloopcem is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, staggering monkey.

Ontloopcem created an up quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Ontloopcem, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Ontloopcem, he will send you a sign.

Ontloopcem's most sacred site is Basalorum in Sweden.

Ontloopcem's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Never look at stars.

5. Do not commit murder.