Yogkemquag Gembopzed is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, narcissistic porpoise.

Yogkemquag Gembopzed created Europe nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Yogkemquag Gembopzed, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Yogkemquag Gembopzed, she will turn you into a snail.

Yogkemquag Gembopzed's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Yogkemquag Gembopzed's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Do not speak about wheat.

4. You must never eat limes.

5. Never jump near aardvarks.