Zedlamtonkon is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, amazing snail.

Zedlamtonkon created a photon five billion years ago.

If you believe in Zedlamtonkon, she will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Zedlamtonkon, she will turn you into a sparrow.

Zedlamtonkon's most sacred site is Sarti in Greece.

Zedlamtonkon's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from pink whales for they are unholy.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Erect a large iron sculpture of Zedlamtonkon on top of all buildings.

4. Never think ill of sick sharks.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.