Gontifmip Poprakquat is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, staggering rat.

Gontifmip Poprakquat created time and space nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gontifmip Poprakquat, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Gontifmip Poprakquat, he will turn you into a rock.

Gontifmip Poprakquat's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Gontifmip Poprakquat's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Gontifmip Poprakquat loves voles, so they must be honoured.