Bifquagstik is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, duplicitous monkey.

Bifquagstik created a down quark four billion years ago.

If you believe in Bifquagstik, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Bifquagstik, he will not care at all.

Bifquagstik's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Bifquagstik's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention seals.

2. Never talk about goats.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Respect your elders.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.