Xemwanyatt is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, deceitful bird.

Xemwanyatt created a quark three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Xemwanyatt, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Xemwanyatt, he will torture you forever.

Xemwanyatt's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Xemwanyatt's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Always help sick cats.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.