Tikfarnwotgig is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, staggering grasshopper.

Tikfarnwotgig created the universe two billion years ago.

If you believe in Tikfarnwotgig, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Tikfarnwotgig, she will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Tikfarnwotgig's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Tikfarnwotgig's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never feed lemons to sharks while wearing pink jumpers.

3. Never mention turtles.

4. Worship no other gods but Tikfarnwotgig.

5. Never laugh in the presence of cats.