Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, two-faced manatee.

Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim created matter four million years ago.

If you believe in Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Legfosssafpod Dissbamkim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear magenta clothing.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Always make sure there are no goats in a room before entering it.

4. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

5. Do not run in public.