Yarvogcem is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, weak armadillo.

Yarvogcem created a charm quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarvogcem, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Yarvogcem, she will turn you into a tree.

Yarvogcem's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Yarvogcem's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat apples.

2. You must never eat corn.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Never feed lentils to aardvarks while wearing pink shirts.

5. Do not wear gray clothing.