Tonlap is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, dishonourable tapir.

Tonlap created dark energy six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonlap, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tonlap, it will turn you into a rat.

Tonlap's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Tonlap's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at moons.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Erect five tin sculptures of Tonlap on top of important buildings.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Hide from cyan tortoises for they are unholy.