Tigwanwap is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, quiet monkey.

Tigwanwap created matter six million years ago.

If you believe in Tigwanwap, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Tigwanwap, she will turn you into a plant.

Tigwanwap's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Tigwanwap's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about horizontal gene transfer.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. You must pray to Tigwanwap six times a day.

5. Always make sure there are no ants in a building before entering it.