Lopcemraw is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, bad-tempered lizard.

Lopcemraw created snails two billion years ago.

If you believe in Lopcemraw, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Lopcemraw, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Lopcemraw's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Lopcemraw's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

4. Never paint your head magenta.

5. Pray towards the west.