Tampan is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, omniscient swallow.

Tampan created time and space six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tampan, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Tampan, it will turn you into a goat.

Tampan's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Tampan's Holy Commandments

1. Whales are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Always make sure there are no mice in a room before entering it.

4. Never feed grapes to moths while wearing brown tights.

5. Tampan must be the most important thing in your life.