Queegkapjig is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, intelligent narwhal.

Queegkapjig created snails four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Queegkapjig, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Queegkapjig, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Queegkapjig's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Queegkapjig's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your arms magenta.

2. Hide from brown birds for they are unholy.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.