Fempangnanvin is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, staggering clam.

Fempangnanvin created humankind eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Fempangnanvin, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Fempangnanvin, she will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Fempangnanvin's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Fempangnanvin's Holy Commandments

1. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Fempangnanvin.

3. Do not chop down trees.

4. Always make sure there are no sharks in a room before entering it.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.