Tonktipjig is a god.

It takes the form of a fat, stupid narwhal.

Tonktipjig created an up quark five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonktipjig, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tonktipjig, it will turn you into a tree.

Tonktipjig's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Tonktipjig's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Tonktipjig.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Do not drink water in orange rooms.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Never write about galaxies.