Ontpadbif is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, bad-tempered human.

Ontpadbif created the Milkyway nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontpadbif, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ontpadbif, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Ontpadbif's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Ontpadbif's Holy Commandments

1. Hide if six badgers approach from the west.

2. Never laugh in holy places.

3. Always wear green.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Pray towards the south.