Latjapjen is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, dishonest octopus.

Latjapjen created humankind nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Latjapjen, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Latjapjen, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Latjapjen's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Latjapjen's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt sharks.

2. Do not drink water in pink rooms.

3. Never talk about snails.

4. Do not kill aardvarks.

5. Never feed gooseberries to doves while wearing white jumpers.