Bess is a god.

It takes the form of a corpulent, unsympathetic porpoise.

Bess created life seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bess, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Bess, it will say rude things about you at parties.

Bess' most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Bess' Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Bess.

5. Always take life seriously.