Dapfitgid is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, fussy clam.

Dapfitgid created Asia eight million years ago.

If you believe in Dapfitgid, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Dapfitgid, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Dapfitgid's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Dapfitgid's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Always make sure there are no birds in a building before entering it.

4. Run away if three doves approach from the west.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.