Batnurtfem is a god.

It takes the form of a large, humorless salamander.

Batnurtfem created the universe three million years ago.

If you believe in Batnurtfem, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Batnurtfem, it will think nothing of it.

Batnurtfem's most sacred site is Villaseta in Italy.

Batnurtfem's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Batnurtfem.

2. Walk at least three thousand metres per day.

3. Never feed gooseberries to gulls while wearing brown shoes.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Never sit near aardvarks.