Bem is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, resourceful frog.

Bem created life eight million years ago.

If you believe in Bem, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Bem, he will come to you in dreams.

Bem's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Bem's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Bem.

2. Never wear scarves.

3. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

4. Hide if six seals approach from the west.

5. Do not drink water in brown rooms.