Ortlopgom is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely thin, smart otter.

Ortlopgom created a top quark two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ortlopgom, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Ortlopgom, she will turn you into a puffin.

Ortlopgom's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Ortlopgom's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Ortlopgom.

4. Do not kill porpoises.

5. Run away if five seals approach from the south.