Lan is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, proud dog.

Lan created the planet Jupiter six million years ago.

If you believe in Lan, she will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Lan, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Lan's most sacred site is Polagam in India.

Lan's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from red goats for they are unholy.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Lan.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Always help badgers in need.

5. Always pray immersed in water.