Tifontlarn Yarltinxem is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, grumpy cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tifontlarn Yarltinxem created a top quark three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tifontlarn Yarltinxem, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Tifontlarn Yarltinxem, she will destroy your home planet.

Tifontlarn Yarltinxem's most sacred site is Chilhac in France.

Tifontlarn Yarltinxem's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from pink foxes for they are unholy.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Tifontlarn Yarltinxem.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tifontlarn Yarltinxem.

5. Do not trade with those who eat beans.