Ortpadgem is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, happy giraffe.

Ortpadgem created oxygen three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ortpadgem, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Ortpadgem, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Ortpadgem's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Ortpadgem's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

3. Never think ill of sick foxes.

4. Do not trade with those who eat limes.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.