Kanfossvan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely large, vain scorpion.

Kanfossvan created a photon five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kanfossvan, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kanfossvan, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Kanfossvan's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Kanfossvan's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Erect a large zinc sculpture of Kanfossvan on top of all buildings.

3. Never talk about porpoises.

4. Always make sure there are no foxes in a room before entering it.

5. Do not commit murder.