Quartwipwee is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, unthoughtful zebra.

Quartwipwee created the universe nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quartwipwee, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Quartwipwee, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Quartwipwee's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Quartwipwee's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Quartwipwee.

2. Never mention manatees.

3. Do not drink water in violet rooms.

4. Never wear yellow corsets.

5. Never sit near voles.