Stafhanfem is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, witless jellyfish.

Stafhanfem created a bottom quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Stafhanfem, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Stafhanfem, he will torture you forever.

Stafhanfem's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Stafhanfem's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick eagles.

2. Worship no other gods but Stafhanfem.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Always help frogs.