Fetlaphas is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, bad-tempered turtle.

Fetlaphas created a strange quark three million years ago.

If you believe in Fetlaphas, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Fetlaphas, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Fetlaphas' most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Fetlaphas' Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Fetlaphas.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Do not wear aluminium on your body.

5. Worship no other gods but Fetlaphas.