Apptafcan is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, clever seal.

Apptafcan created vertebrates seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Apptafcan, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Apptafcan, she will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Apptafcan's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Apptafcan's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from violet rats for they are unholy.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Apptafcan loves shrews, so they must be honoured.

4. Do not speak about nuts.

5. Never write about the strong nuclear force.