Bedbastnak is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, egotistical aardvark.

Bedbastnak created Africa three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bedbastnak, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Bedbastnak, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Bedbastnak's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Bedbastnak's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about mites.

2. Hamsters are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Do not dye your hair blue.

5. Always take life seriously.