Lapnurlkam is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, strong dryad.

Lapnurlkam created a top quark two million years ago.

If you believe in Lapnurlkam, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Lapnurlkam, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Lapnurlkam's most sacred site is Auvillar in France.

Lapnurlkam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill gulls.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Worship no other gods but Lapnurlkam.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.