Tarphasced is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, selfish gorilla.

Tarphasced created carbon four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarphasced, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tarphasced, he will say rude things about you at parties.

Tarphasced's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Tarphasced's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear shirts.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Do not eat gooseberries.

5. Feed all hungry whales.