Quatjoplab is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, witless clam.

Quatjoplab created viruses three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quatjoplab, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Quatjoplab, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Quatjoplab's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Quatjoplab's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention turtles.

2. Always help sick snakes.

3. Never wear scarves.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never run near hamsters.