Haphudlip is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, weak hydra.

Haphudlip created snails four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haphudlip, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Haphudlip, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Haphudlip's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Haphudlip's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Haphudlip five times a day.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Always make sure there are no seals in a room before entering it.

4. Do not trade with those who eat spinach.

5. Always take life seriously.