Ontyokmilxuc is a god.

She takes the form of a four thousand metre long, uncaring crab.

Ontyokmilxuc created life eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontyokmilxuc, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Ontyokmilxuc, she will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Ontyokmilxuc's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Ontyokmilxuc's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Ontyokmilxuc.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Ontyokmilxuc.

4. Never bounce near foxes.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.