Lapjamnat is a god.

He takes the form of a large, ruthless hippopotamus.

Lapjamnat created life nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Lapjamnat, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Lapjamnat, he will turn you into a slug.

Lapjamnat's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Lapjamnat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your feet.

2. Always help gulls in need.

3. You must pray to Lapjamnat nine times a day.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Birds are unholy and should not be approached.